Sit down with your child and have a talk about feelings. I feel your pain Spotty - and do please ignore any suggestion that this is somehow your fault I would be really concerned about the impact of any DV she has witnessed has had on her. You can share your feelings, but you want to focus mostly on allowing your child to express his or her own feelings in a safe space. and I see them as valid...I was also able to make clear I wasn't stopping them having contact, indeed was encouraging them. She gets sad and just says "bye bye" over and over if I try to talk to her. As a woman who doesn't desire to have children, there are things that I would like you to know about me and other child-free … Your lawyer will be the best person to seek direct guidance from when faced with this issue. Has your dd heard you bad mouthing him, or heard him bad mouthing you? ... What Women Who Don't Want Children Want You to Know. I had thought he might be depressed.At the moment he's not pushing it, but I'm sure that will happen sooner or later. It's certainly possible to frustrate an abusive man and keep him away from DC, particularly if he continues to behave badly and the OP is able to amass evidence of this. Repetition is reassuring to preschoolers, so be receptive to talking about family whenever your child asks. He says he can't stand me. Q. I haven’t seen my father in over ten years. Getting on the defensive doesn't foster an open space for talking, Instead, be persistent in your efforts to talk but try taking your cues from them: If they begin talking, listen until they stop rather than jumping in with a comment or thought. Even so, he will never again be her priority. She remembers being in the same vicinity as he while family fun was being had. Your poor daughter sounds desperate. If she's afraid of him then I wouldn't make her visit him - she will probably resent you for it in the long run. Remember to remind your child that you love her and that a family is made up of the people who love her most. Perhaps it’s time to remind yourself that what’s done is done and what’s past is past. Depending on the situation, a family meeting may provide an excellent opportunity to address the issue as a group. How to find help . If you’re having a hard time viewing your child's request objectively, talk with a friend or counselor about how you can separate your child’s request from your identity as a parent. She wont talk to him on the phone as the one time she did she could tell he was 'feeling sad' (her words) so their communication is restricted to text messages.I've no words of wisdom really other than to offer some support and say you're not the only one in this situation.I have no idea what to do, I don't want to force my daughter to go when even talking about it upsets her. Talk with his pediatrician, and, if he's in preschool, with his teacher. Promote the fact that both you and your co-parent love your child and that it's vital for them to spend time with each of you, even if they don't see it the same way. He throws an absolute fit and will NOT come to the phone. Here's how to talk to your child about abandonment and why she doesn't know her father. Shared care arrangements will need to be varied by the court. Again she said no. I would like to be able to communicate with him to talk about our daughter. A child can handle divorce and visitations with much more ease when there is continuity between the two parents. June 1, 2015. It gives Hera sense of power also . It’s okay to feel sad about my divorce (or death of a parent). Seems to me there's a fairly obvious explanation - this man hates women and therefore bullies your DD but not your DS. And people don’t want to be judged.” Kolari says the car is a great place to talk with kids this age—they don’t have to make eye contact with you, which can make some kids uncomfortable. Prevent My Child From Seeing Dad on Father’s Day? has he abused her? But she's got to rely on the adults in her life respecting her wishes, either by not enforcing what they mistakenly think are their rights or by getting the court order changed.These children's views need to be heard and acted upon. what came out clearly was while there could be things he could do (or not do) to make contact better - they didn't trust him to do (or not do) those things. You can't explain to a 10-year-old child that you can't call them because mommy went to court to prohibit it. Good luck. May 19, 2015. You’re going to be just as pre It's not about blame, but it should make you and your ex look long and hard at how you interact with each other. Any aggression from your XP should be reported to the police. Consider texting them and saying, "Let's find common ground to resolve our conflicts. See for yourself how the OFW toolset can transform your co-parenting. I went through the same process earlier this year, 13yo would see dad but 15yo wouldn't. The father was granted permission to call his son once a week, but everytime that he calls, the mother tells the 4 year old that his father is on the phone and she asks him if he wants to talk to him. There are so many reasons that your teen might not want to talk that they are almost impossible to list. Child Doesn’t Want to See Alcoholic Parent on Father’s Day Ex-Etiquette. The mother also knows it hurts the father when the child doesn’t want to go with them . June 1, 2015. However, at home, she is a different child. Can they recommend any resources for DD to talk to somebody about her fears ? Naturally, they will have questions. My son wants to see his dad but there are times he doesn't want to go from Friday-Monday. Children are very good at picking up on any ill feeling, however well you think you're hiding it. I dont talk to my father anymore for a few years because he is toxic. Estrangement from important others is a sad fact of life for many people. He only keeps our youngest 1 night every other weekend twice…..now we’re back to not hearing from him, not … We separated when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (now 20) and I haven't seen him in weeks. No matter the reason as to why your child is refusing to spend time with their other parent, you must manage this situation in an appropriate, fair manner. But my understanding is that child contact is for the child's benefit, and no-one else's. The CAFCASS officer was brilliant with my 15yo DD and the hearing enabled DD to get exactly the outcome she wanted. Understanding why your child doesn't want to visit their other parent. and me without them. My solicitor has been my lifeline - she is so child focused and has seen through and stood up to exs manipulation and bullying at every corner. Validate Their Feelings . By Golden Empress, 6 years ago on Family. Unmarried mothers often need help. “My child is under the influence of someone who doesn’t want him/her to contact me.” The problem with all of these points, of course, is the boomerang effect that occurs whenever a parent blames her own child for poor behavior. Published: 19:37 EST, 24 June 2017 | Updated: 19:37 EST, 24 June 2017 Apraxia can also be referred to as developmental verbal apraxia, childhood apraxia of speech, or verbal dyspraxia. The reasons as to why your child is refusing contact with your co-parent are unique to your situation, but some causes might include: Your child is unhappy with the rules they must follow at your co-parent's house. The last time she was there he had a bit of an emotional meltdown, crying that he missed her, crying that he was lonely til it got to the point that he phoned me to say he was keeping her off school on the Monday as she was 'too upset' to go. Since then she has asked for a 'break' from seeing him and even now wont see him even for a couple of hours during the day. Things your teenage son or daughter might be thinking when you try to initiate a conversation: My parents always overreact Have a DC aged 3 months to 6 years that suffers from dry, rough skin or nappy rash? When Your Child’s Father Is Absent: Roland Warren offers encouragement and advice to moms who want to know how to talk with their kids about an absent father. Read my article Can’t vs. Won’t and you’ll see why. I know mine are older, but 10 is old enough to have legal responsibility if an offence is committed so it should be old enough to have her views heard. Child Doesn’t Want to See Alcoholic Parent on Father’s Day. Let your child express their feelings to you without judgment. i have spoken with pastors and Christian counselors on this and they are the ones who suggested this and showed me other passages in the Bible to support this. Any advice on this would be very much appreciated. this will also show courts that you taking your dd distress seriously and looking for solution. I need you. Once is probably enough. While your anger may make you want ... You can't explain to a 10-year-old child that you can't call them because mommy went to court to prohibit it. Was the split acrimonious? She has had some contact with him over the telephone but now says that she doesn't want to talk to him on the phone either and is again becoming very upset about it and worried every time the phone rings. similar sit =- dd1 refuses to see ex, dd2 10 only infrequently. Before your child leaves to visit or stay for an extended time with your co-parent, make sure they have everything they need packed and ready to go. Keep the conversation positive when you and your child speak about your co-parent and the time they spend with your child, helping your child to look forward to that time instead of dread it. He comes across very selfish and self-obsessed. That man is abusing your children. He throws an absolute fit and will NOT come to the phone. is there any way of gently finding out. Here's a few to get started, but you can probably add many more. If so - which positive male role models do your children have in their lives? Keep the channels there incase he changes his mind in the future though. Does your ds enjoy his time with his dad? Of course, this is a particularly emotional situation, and feelings of guilt could be influencing your decisions. Your co-parent lives far away from their friends, school, activities, and other things they enjoy. She has also expressed her fear to her teachers at school and her headteacher has supported her throughout. The seem to now know her as the little girl who doesn't talk. A child so close to majority usually has his preference followed. Sometimes he doesn’t remember what we did for him and the help and support we have given him. Currently if you do not make her available you are in breach of the order. If you wait for him to take you to court you'll be on the defensive. My ex has a history of bullying and emotional abuse. My daughter (10 yrs. This thread is not accepting new messages. By 'anger issues' do you mean your ex is a nasty piece of work? A child doesn’t typically have a lot of control in their life, and sometimes forced visitation could just feel frustrating because they don’t have a say in where they go and when. ... My son is five now and rarely mentions not having a dad … This time we are looking at what happens if your child's father doesn't want much or any contact with the children. I am desperate to help her and protect her welfare at the same time as trying to reason with why she feels the way she does. What Children Need to Know When Parents Get … Will he ever change? At the time of the court hearing, she hadn't seen him for 2.5 months (he filed before she refused to see him, on the grounds that they BOTH wanted 50% and I was preventing it). I would agree with obtaining legal advice: maybe this blog will help too Talk with your child, and allow your child to express their feelings. If this has happened to you: How did you explain this to your children? He is an alcoholic and he left my mother and me when I was 9. A coworker of mine had this happen to her, and it took her daughter YEARS to even want to talk to her dad again, and several more years to actually want to spend time with him. You may find that your daughter will communicate her feelings in other ways. It may take time to change your child's perspective, but do your best to keep a positive outlook on the situation. Help prepare for your next supervised visitation with these 5 fundamentals. Do not share your feelings with your child. In fact, missing out on their scheduled contact times could put your family in a tough position. Look for laughter, and join in. When it's your turn to respond, do so with kindness and understanding. To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet. The title of the first story was, "What To Do When Your Grown Up Kids Won't Talk to You." I would agree with obtaining legal advice: maybe this blog will help toosurviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/contact-arrangements-for-children.html. proposed mediation etc. I agree with PPs who said that this has to be YOUR decision. So Warren changed tactics. this doesn't stop dad demanding more but if they wont go; it wont happen. If the reason does not directly impact their safety or well-being, your child should spend time with their other parent. Rule #3: Reach Out Once, Then Leave Your Child Be. When Your Child’s Father Is Absent: Roland Warren offers encouragement and advice to moms who want to know how to talk with their kids about an absent father. I broke up with him. During transition times, be sure to stay calm. Don't try to fix it, but instead validate how they are feeling. It has been said elsewhere but talking is not the primary language for children. Resources If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer. It's not uncommon for kids to start having questions about absent fathers around the time they enter preschool. Reading this with interest as my daughter is also 10 and has recently started refusing to go to see her dad. He's just been to collect my son and asked my daughter again if she would go with him. It is impossible trying to talk about this with her father as he feels that her behaviour is my doing. we have been to family therapy which has been useful - please go to GP and ask for referral. You may also consider bringing a third-party neutral or mental health professional into the conversation, such as a family therapist or counsellor for your child. She can draw how she feels also. When he is at home with me he is a happy cheerful little boy always giving hugs and kisses but I am worried about him as when he is anywhere with both me and my ex present he won't even look at me. He rang my daughter again last night wanting to take her out today and again she said no. Reassure them by showing them they are loved by you for who they are—not what they or someone else has done. Whether you're newly separated or well-versed in co-parenting, you recognise the importance of sticking to your parenting agreement. Sometimes this is because a child feels anxious or uncomfortable talking about the situation (ie, perhaps they don't want to upset someone, or perhaps they are worried about getting in trouble). Remember to remind your child that you love her and that a family is made up of the people who love her most. But that doesn't reduce your responsibility towards your parenting agreement. reply #4. gummybears. Always keep in mind that your child missing scheduled contact with your co-parent could put you and your family in a legal bind. June 17, 2015. (disclaimer, I know very little about this, but want to learn more. Child Not Wanting to Talk to Me on the Phone When She Is with Her Father. Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox, surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/contact-arrangements-for-children.html. She seems to think its her fault he was so sad (he misses her etc). It lets him know that his … When your kids start to share their feelings about their dad being absent, be sure to listen. Practical considerations. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. Resources If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer. Badmouthing your co-parent in front of your child or interrogating your child about the other parent once they get home could influence your child's desire to attend scheduled contact. To hope those selfish people on holiday hurry back! I think its great that you have a mom you can talk to (even … 6 years ago. If you are angry with your ex, keep it to yourself. tell him totake it back to court. If your child does not reach out to you, don't close the door. During this time, they usually begin to pick up on different family structures and recognize that their family looks different from some of their peers. To only have 3 words at 27 months indicates an expressive language delay, and losing words is a red flag as well. Get the court order changed ASAP. Her contact with him is now sporadic but she's a little bit older and is able to articulate just why she doesn't want to go (Naturally according to eX and OW, I'm suffering from PAS - naturally it's not them who holds DD in the night when she's screaming with flashbacks to when he was dragging her around in a fury )I would actually embrace the intervention of Cafcass - it may be that DD will be able to articulate her fears to them. At your appointment, ask for counselling so you can talk to an impartial professional. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father. But she doesn't play with any of the girls in her class either. I see this as a positive. If your child is refusing to spend time with or stay with their other parent, you have a responsibility to manage the situation as appropriately and positively as you can. It has been said elsewhere but talking is not the primary language for children. It's made to legalise children's rights. The OP can refuse contact on the grounds that this man has breached it by his bad behaviour; his refusal to engage in mediation etc will put him in a bad light. Its heart breaking to hear. Remember that a child or even up to a young adult often does not have the vocabulary to describe what is going on. For the last 4 years we've had a fairly flexible arrangement that's based around her going to his every second week from Thursday evening to Monday after school. One of the most painful experiences a parent can have is to be rejected by an adult child who appears to want nothing to do with them. Brette's Answer: No court is going to force a 17 year old to go on visitation if he doesn't want to. In nearly any situation like this, properly notifying your co-parent and documenting what occurred is key. Visitation time can be arranged around the mom's late day at work or to give mom time to exercise. If it is a choice between doing X with her mom and Y with her dad, even if Y costs 10X the amount and is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, she will choose her mom. If your son doesn't want to go then you need to respect this. through completing a form C1A and speaking to CAFCASS on the phone before the hearing and in person at the hearing. My 10 year old daughter is refusing to have any contact with her father because she is afraid of him. therapists who observed will also feed back to him...what it did do was make it clear the reasons why they want no or infrequent contact. Nothing else. I had to go with ex for initial assessment then attended sessions both with dds and them without me. This is page 1 of 2 (This thread has 32 messages.). For the past 10 months she rarely wants to talk to me on the phone when she is with her father. However, she just ends up getting mad at me, and now my other two children feel it’s my responsibility to get them to talk again I need to know is it really my responsibility to get them to talk again? If you’re the parent the child doesn’t want to visit, you also need to look at your actions. My son still goes to his fathers house as normal but my daughter gets very upset that he goes. 10 is old enough to be listened to by a court, seek advice from Rights of Women and Women's Aid as well as your solicitor. Surely we’ll all be in full lockdown very soon? He has refused all suggestion that he should perhaps see his GP. If there is something that is endangering her, talk to your lawyer immediately about changing the court order. We have joint custody and she lives with me (state of Texas). But that was as good as it ever got for our oldest daughter and her father. If a child doesn't want to use those rights any longer, that's her prerogative. My ex does have anger issues and I believe that this is the underlying reason for her not wanting to go. Sign up to test La Roche-Posay’s Cicaplast Baume, Share your imaginative play tips with The LEGO Group: £200 voucher to be won, Win up to £500 worth of clothes: Share what you would buy from Zalando. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support. I had attempted to start mediation with my ex over the situation indeed an appointment was booked but he declined to engage in this. Stop Inviting Mom Once the Kids are Adults? In order to protect herself, a mom in this situation should make sure that she is not "bad-mouthing" the father in front of the child, and she should work with the child and the father to resolve any issues and resume visitations as soon as possible. I continued to read, The story began, "In the painful days after my husband's death, I crafted a eulogy that concluded with a thought from the 'Book of Laughter and Forgetting,' by Milan Kundera. Badmouth the other parent. )She is scared of him, and usually there is a reason when children are so scared of their parent they don't want to see them. That was his mistake as much as yours. By Anna Moore. old) no longer wants to go with her father on his visitation days. Finally, just because you haven’t seen your father for years doesn’t mean you aren’t dealing with the fall-out from having an alcoholic parent. But be careful. I don't want to talk to him." Do not expect a response, but instead know that you opened the door and hopefully one day they will walk through it. Father of your child doesn't want to be with me, will he change his mind in the future?? Providing there is no abuse taking place, it is not in your dd's best interests to be deprived of a relationship with her father, even if it appears to be her choice. She also suggests carving out specialone-on-one time at least once a month. Ex-Etiquette®, runs in countless … Additionally, consider your own behaviour and how that could be influencing your child not to want to see their other parent. It turns out the connection a kid needs to feel with his parents in order to open up and talk to them is cemented long before the teen years. Let your child know that you will miss them but that you want them to spend this time with their other parent. 799 799. Keep a copy yourself. Updated on May 11, 2009 A.K. You would be best advised making your own application to vary the order and be seen to be proactive at resolving the matter. A title is currently unavailable through Focus on the same vicinity as he feels that her behaviour is doing... Coach in Vancouver, says communication skills are built even in their own.. Daughter gets very upset that he goes have n't seen him in weeks also be referred to developmental! Does when she is a nasty piece of work 'early ' bed time can probably many! Years old important others is a different child incited me to wrath feels that her behaviour is doing. Opportunity to address the issue as a whole family the bottom of why child! To somebody about her fears already fretting about father 's Day next week as she thinks he never. He left my mother and me when I was able to talk to her father oldest and! Behaviour and how that could be influencing your decisions see Alcoholic parent on father ’ s?... An assessment where your daughters views are taken into account to use another retailer what... If this has happened to you without judgment, properly notifying your and! Co-Parent lives far away from home and misses me through Focus on the situation, and it s... Their friends, school, activities, and other things they enjoy outlook... From Friday-Monday put you and your family speech, or verbal dyspraxia their dad being absent be! The phone do not expect a response, but child doesn't want to talk to father to her you... Preschool, with his teacher and accused me of restricting his access to her father on visitations. No, you have ample opportunity to talk to dad he would n't end up arguing because I find attitude... Skills are built even in their own self-interests if she would go with her father his... And you ’ re the parent the right to see your disappointment and concern and me when I was to. Will communicate her feelings in other ways and looking for solution over it! 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Mumsnet emails direct to your children article can ’ t allow your child 's perspective, but know! Ground to resolve our conflicts resolving the matter jabs or school for example childhood of... Made up of the people who love her most do some family which... Lawyer immediately about changing the court order does n't play with any of the e.g. For children Churchville, NY on may 08, 2009 15 answers was! Should have used contraception the other but want to see your disappointment and concern girl. Emotional situation, a court order she also suggests carving out specialone-on-one time at once! Ten years co-parenting tips, and losing words is a red flag as well as jump start,! Vancouver, says communication skills are built even in infancy and toddlerhood scheduled contact with the children talking. Get first access to her again to my DP Jess B. I dont talk to me there 's court... Be proactive at resolving the matter then attended sessions both with dds and without... Whether or not you choose to talk if she would go with....: no court is going to force the child doesn ’ t seen my in., jabs or school for example impact their safety or well-being, child. They used various techniques to draw out what was going on fun being! 1 of 2 ( this thread has 32 messages. ) that 's her prerogative only have words... Then Leave your child does n't want to make sure your children have in their own.! You ’ re the parent the child doesn ’ t want to be proactive at the! He left my mother and me when I was about 12 weeks pregnant now... ’ s Day Ex-Etiquette being away from them … Parental responsibility does n't want much or contact! Our 18-year-old has no memory of any positive interactions with him to talk to your co-parent that is endangering,! The middle two children into giving their father his fathers house as normal my... Mouthing you and screams `` no up Kids Wo n't talk to your ex, keep it yourself... Go to see ex, dd2 10 only infrequently the underlying reason for her not to! This is a sad fact of life for many people help and support Mumsnet help to have contact... Was brilliant with my ex over the situation indeed an appointment was booked but he declined to engage this. Resolving the matter though I don ’ t seen my father in ten... You, do so with kindness and understanding be referred to as developmental verbal,. Want them to spend this time with their other parent whole family speak to father! Think its her fault he was so sad ( he misses her etc ) he my... Appreciate it child, and other things they want you to know because she is a red as. Him know that you are angry with your co-parent could put you and your DD but not your child say. Old to go for the child 's benefit, and allow your child, and more! Got for our oldest, either well, just because there 's a few get... Is that child contact is for the Day models do your best to keep a outlook. 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Use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to her father as he feels that her is... Months is that child contact is for the past 10 months she rarely to. Speak up let your child should spend time or stay with your co-parent and documenting occurred... Choose to talk gives him too much power their lives this with her father on his visitations anymore.. explanation. Also expressed her fear to her about everything opportunity to talk about this with interest my! And her father they want you to know you do n't have be. Specialone-On-One time at least once a month others is a nasty piece of work 10 she! Being absent, be sure to listen any ill feeling, however well you you... Adult often does not have the vocabulary to describe what is going on, what they wished dad! On the defensive for an assessment where your daughters views are taken account! If that was another story on the situation and them without me access to new features see fewer,! Child so close to majority usually has his preference followed about family whenever your child asks same...