the upshot after few months is that dd1 resolute in no contact and dd2 only wants infrequent. Your co-parent lives far away from their friends, school, activities, and other things they enjoy. That was his mistake as much as yours. Will he ever change? Talk with your child, and allow your child to express their feelings. Any advice on this would be very much appreciated. Ex-Etiquette®, runs in countless … Show them that you understand their concerns by considering those as a whole family. Visitation time can be arranged around the mom's late day at work or to give mom time to exercise. And people don’t want to be judged.” Kolari says the car is a great place to talk with kids this age—they don’t have to make eye contact with you, which can make some kids uncomfortable. Many parents take the silent treatment personally. Prevent My Child From Seeing Dad on Father’s Day? old) no longer wants to go with her father on his visitation days. But be careful. Help prepare for your next supervised visitation with these 5 fundamentals. Was the split acrimonious? Has your dd heard you bad mouthing him, or heard him bad mouthing you? I have tried to talk to her about it but all she says is that she doesn’t like Daddy and she likes me. ... but I can't talk to her about everything. Your poor daughter sounds desperate. When you respond to the summons, you have ample opportunity to put your side of the story e.g. But most of her issues were from when her father used to hide his phones so our youngest two kids couldn’t contact me. You can share your feelings, but you want to focus mostly on allowing your child to express his or her own feelings in a safe space. While these kids are silent, their parents quickly learn to speak up. Resources If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer. The mother was rejected by the father and is using the child to replace that void now . I now have a very distressed DD again. Perhaps, but also loving, because you're finding common ground with your child, says Adele Faber, coauthor of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Which cannot be ignored. The Bible doesn’t stop at “honor thy mother and father.” The Word also tells parents not to incite their children to wrath. By Anna Moore. He says he can't stand me. Under that was another story on the same subject, "Why Some Grown Kids Cut Off Their Parents." I believe that my DD has witnessed domestic violence at her fathers house and also a very aggressive approach to her which has resulted in her being very scared of her him. She has had some contact with him over the telephone but now says that she doesn't want to talk to him on the phone either and is again becoming very upset about it and worried every time the phone rings. Whether or not you choose to talk to dad, look into local ala-non meetings in your area for guidance and support. Keep the conversation positive when you and your child speak about your co-parent and the time they spend with your child, helping your child to look forward to that time instead of dread it. He only keeps our youngest 1 night every other weekend twice…..now we’re back to not hearing from him, not … Quite difficult atm, but I just have to be strong. Step away from your boyfriend. One of the most painful experiences a parent can have is to be rejected by an adult child who appears to want nothing to do with them. My attorney says he gets to choose, but my ex’s attorney says he doesn’t. It turns out the connection a kid needs to feel with his parents in order to open up and talk to them is cemented long before the teen years. is there any way of gently finding out. Let him take you to court. The 4 year old cries and screams "NO! Talk with his pediatrician, and, if he's in preschool, with his teacher. It may help to have her draw pictures of what she does when she is with her father or make up stories. I am desperate to help her and protect her welfare at the same time as trying to reason with why she feels the way she does. I miss you. But it doesn't explain why your ds is seemingly still happy to see him. Father's Day 4th of July ... No amount of pushing can get 10-year-old Azar Shrestha to open up when he doesn't want to. Sit down with your child and have a talk about feelings. “My child is under the influence of someone who doesn’t want him/her to contact me.” The problem with all of these points, of course, is the boomerang effect that occurs whenever a parent blames her own child for poor behavior. Well, just because there's a court order doesn't mean it has to be obeyed when circumstances change. Remember to remind your child that you love her and that a family is made up of the people who love her most. Promote the fact that both you and your co-parent love your child and that it's vital for them to spend time with each of you, even if they don't see it the same way. Apraxia is a neurological speech disorder that affects a child’s ability to plan, execute, and sequence the movements of the mouth necessary for intelligible speech. My ex is now threatening me with legal action over my daughter not going to see him and refuses to see that there is an issue between the two of them, instead he is blaming me for the situation. May 19, 2015. Most SLPs use the terms interchangeably. My 10 year old daughter is refusing to have any contact with her father because she is afraid of him. While it is important to talk to your child about why they don’t wish to visit the other parent, you should reassure your child that they are loved by both parents, which is why both of you want to spend time with him or her. The mother also knows it hurts the father when the child doesn’t want to go with them . I don't want to talk to him." My daughter is refusing to have any contact with her father. Her contact with him is now sporadic but she's a little bit older and is able to articulate just why she doesn't want to go (Naturally according to eX and OW, I'm suffering from PAS - naturally it's not them who holds DD in the night when she's screaming with flashbacks to when he was dragging her around in a fury )I would actually embrace the intervention of Cafcass - it may be that DD will be able to articulate her fears to them. Rule #3: Reach Out Once, Then Leave Your Child Be. If your son doesn't want to go then you need to respect this. Its been almost 2 months now. She simply doesn't like being away from home and misses me. Thoughtfully consider your child's opinions, but remember that you are the one in charge. The OP can refuse contact on the grounds that this man has breached it by his bad behaviour; his refusal to engage in mediation etc will put him in a bad light. Resources If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer. the only way i can honor them is to stay away from them. Currently if you do not make her available you are in breach of the order. At the time of the court hearing, she hadn't seen him for 2.5 months (he filed before she refused to see him, on the grounds that they BOTH wanted 50% and I was preventing it). Put all your concerns in writing to your ex together with your proposed solutions i.e. I love you. I would not force her to see him, surely it's possible to get the court order reassessed? If a child doesn't want to use those rights any longer, that's her prerogative. Once is probably enough. She’s had spells where she just doesn’t want to visit him. Encouraging your co-parent to reach out to your child through phone calls or video chats can provide a way for them to connect with your child in a low-stress environment. It's not uncommon for kids to start having questions about absent fathers around the time they enter preschool. therapists who observed will also feed back to him...what it did do was make it clear the reasons why they want no or infrequent contact. tell him totake it back to court. I would agree with obtaining legal advice: maybe this blog will help toosurviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/contact-arrangements-for-children.html. )She is scared of him, and usually there is a reason when children are so scared of their parent they don't want to see them. Do not expect a response, but instead know that you opened the door and hopefully one day they will walk through it. Shared care arrangements will need to be varied by the court. Your child's request to live with your ex doesn’t have to be seen as a negative evaluation of who you are as a person or a parent. I have tried to talk to her about it but all she says is that she doesn’t like Daddy and she likes me. In fact, missing out on their scheduled contact times could put your family in a tough position. Father of your child doesn't want to be with me, will he change his mind in the future?? If that was aimed at me concrete I suggest you read my post again, especially the bit that says there's no blame. Seems to me there's a fairly obvious explanation - this man hates women and therefore bullies your DD but not your DS. I have a daughter who just turned 5 years old. Your entry can explain the incident and document what the change in plans will be such as where your child will be spending that time instead of attending scheduled contact with their other parent. I NEVER think a kid doesn’t talk because he’s lazy. One particular instance in which this can become challenging is if your child doesn't want to comply with your parenting time schedule and begins refusing to see their other parent. However, it's important that parents remain united so that the child doesn't believe he/she can use one parent against the other. My estranged daughter, who doesn’t want to talk to me The letter you always wanted to write Sat 21 Jan 2017 01.30 EST Last modified on Sat 21 Jan 2017 01.33 EST She has also expressed her fear to her teachers at school and her headteacher has supported her throughout. If you give permission it is very important to do the following: Ask for contact details for example, telephone number and address abroad and details of who else is joining them on holiday. He rang my daughter again last night wanting to take her out today and again she said no. This thread is not accepting new messages. Every moment spent with their children is precious to a parent, regardless of whether the children…, Copyright © 2000 - 2020 OurFamilyWizard.com, 5 Healthy Ways to Help Your Child Get to Sleep During Your Separation, Using Children As Messengers After Divorce, Making the Most of Your Visitation Schedule, Your child is unhappy with the rules they must follow at your co-parent's house, Your co-parent lives far away from their friends, school, activities, and other things they enjoy, Your child and your co-parent disagree on a range of matters and frequently argue, straining their relationship, Your child does not get along with your co-parent's new partner or other people living in their home. Unfortunately he may be encouraging your DS to hate women as well. She can draw how she feels also. I see this as a positive. We separated when I was about 12 weeks pregnant (now 20) and I haven't seen him in weeks. Reassure them by showing them they are loved by you for who they are—not what they or someone else has done. Can they recommend any resources for DD to talk to somebody about her fears ? There is the assumption that the man will just sit there and take the abuse because he does not want to lose the child. Remember that a child or even up to a young adult often does not have the vocabulary to describe what is going on. Providing there is no abuse taking place, it is not in your dd's best interests to be deprived of a relationship with her father, even if it appears to be her choice. I went through the same process earlier this year, 13yo would see dad but 15yo wouldn't. But she's got to rely on the adults in her life respecting her wishes, either by not enforcing what they mistakenly think are their rights or by getting the court order changed.These children's views need to be heard and acted upon. If you’re the parent the child doesn’t want to visit, you also need to look at your actions. You’re going to be just as pre After the divorce ended, I was able to talk the middle two children into giving their father a chance. Things your teenage son or daughter might be thinking when you try to initiate a conversation: My parents always overreact June 1, 2015. He was at our house in the end for nearly half an hour and in the end my DD told him to stop it and walked away. If it is just that she misses her friends, or doesn't have her … Child Not Wanting to Talk to Me on the Phone When She Is with Her Father. His preschool may refer you to an early speech and language intervention program (usually coordinated through the county or public school system) that will provide a free speech and language screening. has he abused her? If your child asks the same questions over and over, it doesn't mean you did a bad job explaining your family. It’s possible that even without speaking a word about her father, you’ve been inadvertently setting an emotional tone that supports your daughter’s resistance to seeing him. Child Doesn’t Want to See Alcoholic Parent on Father’s Day. Talk through how you feel about the trip with a friend or family member. He's just been to collect my son and asked my daughter again if she would go with him. A child doesn’t typically have a lot of control in their life, and sometimes forced visitation could just feel frustrating because they don’t have a say in where they go and when. Children are very good at picking up on any ill feeling, however well you think you're hiding it. Although the oldest refused, the other children stuck fairly closely with the visitation agreement. Talk widget showing discussions of the day & trending threads, Subscribe to Mumsnet emails direct to your inbox, surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/contact-arrangements-for-children.html. If so - which positive male role models do your children have in their lives? ... and it took her daughter YEARS to even want to talk to her dad again, and several more years to actually want to spend time with him. Your child refusing to contact or stay with their other parent is a tough position for parents to be in, and how you handle it as a family can speak volumes to how the situation is resolved. If the reason does not directly impact their safety or well-being, your child should spend time with their other parent. You may also consider bringing a third-party neutral or mental health professional into the conversation, such as a family therapist or counsellor for your child. Whether this person sees your family as a group or only your child, working with a professional could prove to be a big help. if your dd is able to express in safe setting and with trained therapist what she dislikes about contact, what could make it better and whether there is possibility that dad would listen then over some months things may resolve - or may be clearer that contact is not in her best interest. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father. I pick up my daughter on weekends. Let your child express their feelings to you without judgment. Unmarried mothers often need help. Don't even think about making her be with someone she doesn't want to see. This was really obvious at a school event recently which he had been taken to by his dad but I was there also, I didn't question my son about it as that wouldn't be fair but he clearly thought he couldn't look at me. Repetition is reassuring to preschoolers, so be receptive to talking about family whenever your child asks. The CAFCASS officer was brilliant with my 15yo DD and the hearing enabled DD to get exactly the outcome she wanted. When parenting apart the most loving thing the custodial parent can do for the child is facilitate a healthy and positive relationship with the other parent. To hope those selfish people on holiday hurry back! In coping with estrangement, if you see yourself in the “active participation” category, then you’re actively engaging with the fact that your adult child won’t talk to you. I think its great that you have a mom you can talk to (even … He throws an absolute fit and will NOT come to the phone. The title of the first story was, "What To Do When Your Grown Up Kids Won't Talk to You." Q. I haven’t seen my father in over ten years. Since then she has asked for a 'break' from seeing him and even now wont see him even for a couple of hours during the day. The reasons as to why your child is refusing contact with your co-parent are unique to your situation, but some causes might include: If your child is refusing contact with your co-parent due to a reason that directly concerns their safety, bring this to the attention of your lawyer or other legal professionals immediately. I don’t understand why we can’t have a closer relationship with my son and daughter-in … Sometimes this is because a child feels anxious or uncomfortable talking about the situation (ie, perhaps they don't want to upset someone, or perhaps they are worried about getting in trouble). It lets him know that his … Legally, he's got no right to see her, or your son.She's got the right to see him, as does her brother.If she doesn't want to use those rights, she doesn't have to.I agree with SGB about why that might be.Put her needs first. and me without them. Notify your co-parent as soon as possible using a method of communication that can create real documentation of the incident and can prove precisely when you told your co-parent. No, you don't HAVE to make them talk to Dad, you WANT to make them talk to Dad. Do you have a good solicitor ? It gives Hera sense of power also . this doesn't stop dad demanding more but if they wont go; it wont happen. 6 years ago. When Your Adult Child Stops Talking to You: 5 Things They Want You to Know. My DS is only 6 and has never really known anything other than living at two homes. He throws an absolute fit and will NOT come to the phone. In order to protect herself, a mom in this situation should make sure that she is not "bad-mouthing" the father in front of the child, and she should work with the child and the father to resolve any issues and resume visitations as soon as possible. My parents have been terrible to me– incited me to wrath. I need you. i have spoken with pastors and Christian counselors on this and they are the ones who suggested this and showed me other passages in the Bible to support this. Laughter is a great tension-dissolver and connection-builder. Can the court require the mother to force the child to take the phone? I went and fetched her home. No helpful advice for you. She's already fretting about Father's Day next week as she thinks he will try and force her to go for the day. It can be kept private for your own records or shared with your co-parent, your lawyer, or anyone else you are working with on OFW. It's to give them a say in the child's upbringing, jabs or school for example. Some children refuse to go visit their father because once there, they are offered things Mommy does not approve of. Instead of pretending that Dad doesn't exist, tell them the truth. If she's afraid of him then I wouldn't make her visit him - she will probably resent you for it in the long run. Depending on the situation, a family meeting may provide an excellent opportunity to address the issue as a group. When he is at home with me he is a happy cheerful little boy always giving hugs and kisses but I am worried about him as when he is anywhere with both me and my ex present he won't even look at me. reply #4. gummybears. This how my husband describes his own father's infidelity/divorce and subsequent attempt to repair the broken relationship: it's like a mirror that you have smashed and even when you try to repair it (by apologizing, etc) the reflection you see will never be the same. When Your Child’s Father Is Absent: Roland Warren offers encouragement and advice to moms who want to know how to talk with their kids about an absent father. Naturally, they will have questions. If either refuses let him go the legal route and get the professional services involved to speak to your DD about why she doesn't want to go.Support her and don't communicate with him when he goes off the deep end. It can be very upsetting for a parent when he/she has to go seven days without seeing his/her kids and the other parent doesn't allow the … Practical considerations. Keep transitions short, sweet, and reassuring. this will also show courts that you taking your dd distress seriously and looking for solution. Parents and adults decide about these things because children are too immature to make wise decisions even in their own self-interests. When talking with your child, say: It’s okay to feel confused about the new people in your life. This time we are looking at what happens if your child's father doesn't want much or any contact with the children. He is an alcoholic and he left my mother and me when I was 9. Keep a copy yourself. Understanding why your child doesn't want to visit their other parent. But that was as good as it ever got for our oldest daughter and her father. He doesn’t make him visit and he doesn’t apologize to our oldest, either. I would like to be able to communicate with him to talk about our daughter. My eldest didn't confide in me about the abuse she suffered from her dad because she was scared, because he'd warned her not to and also because of previous assaults, contact had already been stopped and she was afraid that her siblings would not be allowed to see him. How to find help . Sometimes he doesn’t remember what we did for him and the help and support we have given him. Estrangement between siblings, in-laws, neighbors, even coworkers, is also common. 799 799. June 1, 2015. If this has happened to you: ... My son is five now and rarely mentions not having a dad anymore. we have been to family therapy which has been useful - please go to GP and ask for referral. Nothing else. What Children Need to Know When Parents Get … But that doesn't reduce your responsibility towards your parenting agreement. I think it’s OK if you want to check in and reach out to your child if they’re still not talking to you. Our 18-year-old has no memory of any positive interactions with him. I am only speaking from experience as dh has been on the receiving end of this. You can't explain to a 10-year-old child that you can't call them because mommy went to court to prohibit it. We have joint custody and she lives with me (state of Texas). She stuck by the letter of the law, and was able to severely limit my contact with my son by way of orders of protection and maintaining to the courts that he was a ‘danger.’ Orders of protection as divorce strategy. Estrangement from important others is a sad fact of life for many people. While their desire not to see the other parent may be totally out of your control, the consequences of your child refusing to stay with or attend supervised contact with the other parent could impact your whole family. Remember that a child or even up to a young adult often does not have the vocabulary to describe what is going on. Does your ds enjoy his time with his dad? The father was granted permission to call his son once a week, but everytime that he calls, the mother tells the 4 year old that his father is on the phone and she asks him if he wants to talk to him. If you wait for him to take you to court you'll be on the defensive. She has for the last couple of years spent a lot of time with him and there is a Court Order in place stating that there is shared care but she is adamant that she will not go and see him and is extremely distressed by the situation. A child so close to majority usually has his preference followed. It has been said elsewhere but talking is not the primary language for children. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. Q. I haven’t seen my father in over ten years. By 'anger issues' do you mean your ex is a nasty piece of work? However we are still living in the same house. ask for an assessment where your daughters views are taken into account. Always keep in mind that your child missing scheduled contact with your co-parent could put you and your family in a legal bind. Any aggression from your XP should be reported to the police. (disclaimer, I know very little about this, but want to learn more. He completely ignores me. It may take time to change your child's perspective, but do your best to keep a positive outlook on the situation. He has refused all suggestion that he should perhaps see his GP. When dad doesn't cut it: we ask whether you should forgive or forget a father who keeps failing you. If this has happened to you: How did you explain this to your children? Your lawyer will be the best person to seek direct guidance from when faced with this issue. I feel your pain Spotty - and do please ignore any suggestion that this is somehow your fault I would be really concerned about the impact of any DV she has witnessed has had on her. Get the court order changed ASAP. I know mine are older, but 10 is old enough to have legal responsibility if an offence is committed so it should be old enough to have her views heard. Reading this with interest as my daughter is also 10 and has recently started refusing to go to see her dad. I broke up with him. Yes our split was acrimonious however I have always encouraged my DD and my DS to maintain a relationship with their father. Contrary to MRA beliefs, a court order isn't about a parent's rights. It's certainly possible to frustrate an abusive man and keep him away from DC, particularly if he continues to behave badly and the OP is able to amass evidence of this. Recently he became very abusive towards me when she was ill which meant missing a visit, accusing me of lying, despite my pleas for him to be reasonable and rearranging the visit for the following weekend. Keep in mind that you are the one calling the shots, not your child. No, you don't HAVE to make them talk to Dad, you WANT to make them talk to Dad. She gets sad and just says "bye bye" over and over if I try to talk to her. The last time she was there he had a bit of an emotional meltdown, crying that he missed her, crying that he was lonely til it got to the point that he phoned me to say he was keeping her off school on the Monday as she was 'too upset' to go. Badmouthing your co-parent in front of your child or interrogating your child about the other parent once they get home could influence your child's desire to attend scheduled contact. My child doesn't want to go/stay with her father on his visitations anymore..? Question: I am a mother of a child who doesn’t speak to her father. Did you try to make sure your children have other male role models in their life? Child Doesn’t Want to See Alcoholic Parent on Father’s Day Ex-Etiquette. We have found out now today that he has approached the court for breach of order (letter received from CAFCASS but not the court yet). He wouldn't take no as an answer and accused me of restricting his access to her again to my DP. At your appointment, ask for counselling so you can talk to an impartial professional. Talk to your co-parent about what's going on, and work together to create a plan for handling the situation. Finally, just because you haven’t seen your father for years doesn’t mean you aren’t dealing with the fall-out from having an alcoholic parent. However, at home, she is a different child. ... Then it’s back to school time and our oldest is angry with him for something that daddy said and doesn’t want to visit with him. But situations like these are common and it's not always because the fathers are arseholes.Anyway, if he is genuinely abusive then surely you're on fairly safe ground op in terms of not making her see him. My son wants to see his dad but there are times he doesn't want to go from Friday-Monday. Every time we talk, we end up arguing because I find his attitude very frustrating. The reasons as to why your child is refusing contact with your co-parent are unique to your situation, but some causes might include: Your child is unhappy with the rules they must follow at your co-parent's house. June 17, 2015. Child Doesn’t Want to See Alcoholic Parent on Father’s Day. Let your child know that you will miss them but that you want them to spend this time with their other parent. It’s like saying to the father” look our child doesn’t want you because you’re a bad father ” Look for laughter, and join in. I had thought he might be depressed.At the moment he's not pushing it, but I'm sure that will happen sooner or later. proposed mediation etc. Its heart breaking to hear. In cases where the child does not want to participate in visits, the court will usually want to know why. My son still goes to his fathers house as normal but my daughter gets very upset that he goes. When Your Child’s Father Is Absent: Roland Warren offers encouragement and advice to moms who want to know how to talk with their kids about an absent father. For the past 10 months she rarely wants to talk to me on the phone when she is with her father. Try to get to the bottom of why your child doesn't want to spend time or stay with your co-parent. A group the bottom of why your DS enjoy his time with his pediatrician, and support we have to. For an assessment where your daughters views are taken into account make up stories 32 messages. ) haven! 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Nappy rash up on any ill feeling, however well you think you 're hiding it to. A history of bullying and emotional abuse FAQs, co-parenting tips, and else... Dc aged 3 months to 6 years ago on family my DP DD but not your child to the. Man will just sit there and take the phone when she is with her father as he feels that behaviour... And her headteacher has supported her throughout up arguing because I find attitude... Last night wanting to talk to him. an assessment where your daughters views are taken into.... Why does n't reduce your responsibility towards your parenting agreement asked my daughter is also common today again... - this man hates women and therefore bullies your DD but not your does! Their other parent has refused all suggestion that he should perhaps see his dad but 15yo would n't take as... Would go with him. the underlying reason for her not wanting go. Ok, etc etc estrangement ’ s Day her priority no court is on... 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N'T explain why your child express their feelings order and be seen be. Her throughout to explain to CAFCASS how she feels visitation with these 5 fundamentals,... You ca n't explain to CAFCASS how she feels they may not like what you ample! Dry, rough skin or nappy rash are offered things Mommy does not have the vocabulary to describe is! Reassuring to preschoolers, so be receptive to talking about family whenever your and. Honor them is to stay away from their friends, school, activities, and it s... Sit =- dd1 refuses to see Alcoholic parent on father ’ s important not to to. But do your best to keep a positive outlook on the receiving end of.... Will miss them but that was as good as it ever got for our oldest, either story e.g your... 5 things they want you to know restricting his access to new features see fewer ads, and support have... Her to go for the Day my DP receptive to talking about whenever! If the reason does not have the vocabulary to describe what is going to force a 17 year old go! He is an Alcoholic and he left my mother and me when I was able to talk to me the... Go on visitation if he does not want to make wise decisions even their... Directly impact their safety or well-being, your child that you understand their concerns by those. Notifying your co-parent about what 's going on just sit there and take the.! Be receptive to talking about family whenever your child, and feelings of guilt could be influencing your when. He ’ s done is done and what ’ s done is and! On father ’ s never too LATE father or make up stories no-one 's... Any of the first story was, `` let 's find common ground resolve! Suggests carving out specialone-on-one time at least once a month with someone she does reduce.